


Your Best, My Worst

by jheyr



Series: Tugging At Heartstrings [4]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Angst, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 20:12:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11364789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jheyr/pseuds/jheyr
Summary: To love someone is to wish them their best even if it will be your worst.





	Your Best, My Worst

Kouki leaned his head on Seijuuro's shoulder, giving his lover's hand a gentle squeeze. He smiled when Seijuuro squeezed back. It might just be a small gesture but it meant a whole lot to him.

They are in Kouki's house, watching a movie on the TV. Kouki's parents are not home but this story is a G-rated fic just like in Disney movies. Nothing too intimate will happen to them, he knows it.

As Kouki watched the current movie on TV where the leading lady's first love reappeared in her life, he can't help but remember the conversation Seijuuro had with the Generation of Miracles a few weeks before.

_"He's coming back-ssu!"_

_They were in Maji Burger, the permanent meeting place of the Generation of Miracles. Kouki was actually surprised that Seijuuro will even step inside a fast-food chain. But from the stories Kuroko told him, Seijuuro accompanies the Miracles to the convenience store they frequent during middle school._

_Kouki watched as the expressions of the Miracles broke out into surprise and excitement. He is not that close with them but Seijuuro brings him to their meetings. The fact that Kagami also invites himself to their meetings is a comforting consolation of being in a table of basketball prodigies._

_"Really?!" Momoi almost jumped out of her seat in excitement._

_"Muro-chin said so," Murasakibara drawled._

_Himuro smiled. "He told me he is coming back for a vacation. Apparently his dad is getting better so he got the chance to come back in Japan."_

_Kouki wonders who is this 'he' they are talking about. He was about to ask Seijuuro but the question died down in his throat when he saw the wide-eyed expression on his lover's face. It was an expression he never saw on the Akashi Seijuuro's face --- an expression full of surprise, pain and longing._

_"I hope senpai's not rusty," Aomine said, opening another burger. "I want to play one-on-one with him."_

_"Give Nijimura-senpai a break, Aomine-kun," Kuroko bluntly stated to his former light. "He may not have the luxury to play basketball in America unlike us. We all know he is busy with his family."_

_"We know, Kurokocchi." Kise smiled. "Although I wish he kept in touch with us, though. He kind of just like disappeared on us after leaving."_

_"Will it change something if he contacted you when you were bored playing basketball?" Himuro asked._

_The topic made them silent. It is a sensitive topic, after all. They did change but it does not change the fact that they toyed with their opponents before._

_"It would be good to try punching us until we get our shit straight again, though," Aomine muttered. "Heck, just imagining him giving me a punch is just ---" He fervently shook his head of the thing he was just imagining._

_"Ne, Shin-chan, you're talking about your former captain?" Takao asked._

_Midorima pushed his glasses up. "Yes. We are talking about our former captain before Akashi."_

_Kouki knows who the former captain of the Miracles before Seijuuro. Kuroko told them the story before their match with Rakuzan before. It just never occured to him that he may be very important to the lives of the rainbow-colored Miracles. The thing Kouki just focused on that time was knowing what happened to the friendship of the Miracles._

_Everyone was looking at Seijuuro who was silent all this time._

_Seijuuro composed his self, his ruby eyes devoid of the emotions Kouki saw. "I kept in contact with Nijimura-san."_

_Kouki could hear that Seijuuro almost choked at the name like it pained him to even say it. Everyone kept quiet and listened to what Seijuuro has to say._

_"Nijimura-san sometimes asks about us and how are we doing. When I was in my alter ego, I vaguely answer him and kept quiet about how our friendship almost crumbled."_

_Kuroko stared at Seijuuro. "It is the only connection and reminder of Teiko you did not severed."_

_Kouki watched the beautiful ruby eyes of Seijuuro as he says, "Yes."_

"Sei?"

"Hm?"

A lump formed in Kouki's throat as he asked, "Nijimura-san is your first love, isn't he?"

Kouki could feel Seijuuro freeze, his hand stilled and his shoulders stiff.

"I..." Seijuuro couldn't speak. The sudden question caught him off-guard. "...he is."

Kouki sat upright and turned to face Seijuuro. He did not let go of his hand as he looked at the pair of beautiful ruby eyes. "How was your first love?"

A flicker of hesitation registered in Seijuuro's eyes so he added, "You can be honest with me. I want you to be honest with me."

Seijuuro held Kouki's hand with both of his. "He taught me so many things, Kouki. The things he taught me are those kinds that people cannot learn in classrooms." He squeezed Kouki's hand unconciously. "He was the adventure I was looking for."

It feels like a bullet went straight through Kouki's heart. The way he hears things about Nijimura, he seems like an amazing person. To handle the Generation of Miracles is no easy task. Handling one of them is already too much work. Their captain, Hyuuga, thanks the Heavens that Kuroko --- _the sanest of them all_ \--- is the one in Seirin.

Kouki must have been a masochist because he continued asking. "Will you ever forget him or will he always be remembered?"

"Kouki..."

The brunette closed his eyes and repeated the words, "I want you to be honest with me, Sei."

Seijuuro looked at Kouki with pain in his eyes. He knows that if he'll be honest about his feelings, his words and honesty will only hurt Kouki.

"He will always be remembered," Seijuuro started. "Even when I locked myself, then let the Emperor take over and cut off everyone else, I left my connection with Nijimura-san. I think that's because he was once my life. He will always have a big part in my heart no matter if I am in my _other self_."

Seijuuro's heart was being squeezed with pain as he watched tears fall in Kouki's closed eyes. He reached out and wiped them with his shaking hand. "He will always be remembered not just because he is my first love but because he taught me so many things in life. We shared good memories with each other, happy or sad, it's all worth it. He was worth it."

Kouki nodded while his eyes are still closed. He cannot stop the cold tears from escaping and Seijuuro's hand on his cheek gave him warmth.

Seijuuro's voice was barely above a whisper when he said, "I loved him that much."

The sound of the TV cannot even drown that confession from Kouki's ears.

Kouki cannot help it anymore and a sob escaped his lips. He opened his eyes and saw the ruby eyes that always takes his breath away. "Why didn't you held on?"

"Because there was nothing that I could hold on to," Seijuuro answered quietly. "He has so many things on his mind. He has responsibilities that are far much heavier than mine. I don't want to add to his problems that's why I kept silent."

Both kept looking at each other's eyes, mirroring each other's emotions on the windows of their soul. Kouki is in pain just by looking at the pained expression on his beloved's eyes. Tears just kept on falling from his eyes --- tears of pain for his own heart and for the pain in Seijuuro's.

"You must have been devastated," Kouki whispered. "Choosing not to pursue him."

"It was worth it not pursuing him," Seijuuro can't stop himself from indulging Kouki with emotions he never told anyone about his first love.

Seijuuro needs to get the emotions bottled up out of his system. Saying his feelings out loud to someone is very different from just thinking of his feelings inside his head.

"I know I am a selfish person, Kouki," Seijuuro admitted. "But I cannot take advantage of Nijimura-san's kindness. He is someone who is really selfless. I respect him too much for that."

Looking at the vulnerable state of Akashi Seijuuro, Kouki realized that this is the first time he ever saw the red-head bare his emotions on his sleeves for him to see. All because of one Nijimura Shuuzou.

It amazes Kouki how one person, no matter how far they are, can affect another just with the thought of him or just by hearing his name.

Kouki dried his tears and gave Seijuuro a smile. "Thank you for being honest with me, Sei."

Kouki is also a selfish person. He mentally scoffed at himself when he admitted with bitterness that he might also be a masochist. He wants to be with Seijuuro even if it pains him. Seijuuro is Kouki's now. It was Seijuuro who reached out to Kouki and made him feel emotions that he did not experienced before.

Being the boyfriend of Seijuuro was not easy. It is never easy. Kouki has low self-confidence to begin with but being in Seijuuro's presence really made him feel small. He is just a chihuahua compared to the lion, after all. But Seijuuro looked at him like he is enough, that he is fine just the way he is.

Kouki is nothing special, really. But Seijuuro chose him, didn't he? Out of everyone, he chose him.

* * *

 

Kouki can't help but feel small, his small self-confidence deflated more than expected when he met Nijimura Shuuzou.

What did he even expect? It takes a great person to earn the respect of arrogant, flamboyant, weird, and overall random basketball prodigies.

The way Nijimura fell into place with the Generation of Miracles as if he belonged with them was amazing. The way the rainbow prodigies gathered around their senpai reminded Kouki of little kids trying to impress their teacher.

Kouki watched as Nijimura fondly flicked the foreheads of the Miracles (though he only ruffled Momoi's hair) including Seijuuro's. He watched as former students of Teiko felt like they were complete.

He also watched Seijuuro look at Nijimura the way Kouki looks at the red-head.

The sight broke Kouki's heart into tiny little pieces.

As Nijimura sat at the head table in Maji Burger, Kouki can't help but notice how naturally he leads people. It is Seijuuro who usually leads everyone, he even leads people who he just met. Seijuuro is the ideal type of leader.

Somehow, the sight of Seijuuro not leading the Miracles is surprising. But from the expressions of the Miracles, it is completely normal.

"So Tatsuya told me a lot about all of you," Nijimura started. "Although Akashi hid the specific details on what all of you are doing, being a little shit and all, I am glad that Kuroko beat the hell out of all you."

Nijimura cusses. Kouki doesn't.

"We're not little," Aomine grumbled while his mouth is full. He is busy competing with Kagami on who eats the most burgers.

"Ew, Dai-chan!"

"Kurokocchi was so amazing-ssu! You should watch the games of Seirin!"

"Shin-chan cried when he lost to Kuroko."

"I did not-nodayo!"

"Mido-chin is just being a tsundere."

"Atsushi, you cried when Yosen lost, too."

"What did you felt, Akashi-kun?" Kuroko diverted their attention to the quiet red-head.

"I..." _didn't know._

"I'm just glad that Psycho-Akashi is gone," Aomine answered.

"You really have no tact, Dai-chan!" Momoi hissed.

"I'm asking Akashi-kun, Aomine-kun," Kuroko deadpanned.

"Truly Ahomine."

"Shut up, Bakagami."

"The first thing that came to my mind was that I missed Teiko," Seijuuro said. "Then the feeling of defeat came next."

Nijimura casually raised his hand to ruffle Seijuuro's hair. "That's not something to be ashamed of."

Nijimura is full of rough casualness. Kouki is a ball of self-conciousness.

"Tell your father that in this world, no one is unbeatable. Don't give me crap that you are absolute," he continued.

Nijimura is very brave to address Akashi Sr. It is not a secret that Seijuuro's father is a very strict and no-nonsense person. And not to mention, the Akashi Family is one of the wealthiest families in Japan.

_"He taught me so many things, Kouki. The things he taught me are those kinds that people cannot learn in classrooms."_

Nijimura grinned boyishly. "Nothing is guaranteed in this world."

The smile that Seijuuro gave Nijimura was something that Kouki never saw being directed at him. Seijuuro's eyes are full of respect, excitement, admiration and a little something. That little something is the emotion Kouki finds in his eyes everytime he thinks about Seijuuro; love.

_"He was the adventure I was looking for."_

* * *

 

Kouki met up with Seijuuro on a Friday after-class. There is a basketball practice but he told the coach that he will be late because of a very important matter.

Seijuuro is in Tokyo because he will bid farewell to Nijimura who will be returning to the States later this evening. Even Kuroko got the permission of their coach to skip practice today because he will also be in the airport to bid farewell to his former captain.

"Kouki."

Kouki held out his hands, stopping Seijuuro from getting any closer to him. "Stay where you are, Sei."

Confusion registered on Seijuuro's face. "Kouki?"

"If you get any closer, I won't be able to say what I'm supposed to say," his voice wavered without intending to.

Kouki took a deep breath. He practiced what he was going to say last night but everything just disappeared when he saw Seijuuro.

"Let's break up."

Seijuuro's eyes widened. He looked at Kouki in surprise. Questions flooded his mind. "This is not funny, Kouki."

"I'm not joking, Sei." Kouki gave Seijuuro a crooked smile. "I am giving up on you."

"You can't do this, Kouki." Seijuuro doesn't know what to say. Kouki seems to have a habit of saying things that caught him off-guard.

"Yes, I can." Kouki said loudly to make himself believe that _yes, he can._

"...why?"

Kouki could feel tears forming. "I am giving up on you not because I don't love you anymore Sei, but because I want you to be free. And if being free makes you happy, naturally I should set you free."

Seijuuro just looked at Kouki, silent and waiting for Kouki to tell him everything that made him lead to breaking their relationship.

"Out of everyone, you are probably the most intimidating player on the court. You are a born leader. You lead everyone with grace and the air of certainty." Kouki bit his lower lip. "I can't imagine you being a member because we all know you are the leader type."

No matter what, Kouki did not look away from Seijuuro's eyes. He wants to say everything looking at those ruby eyes.

"But then you showed a very different side of you when Nijimura-san arrived. Aside from the Generation of Miracles, I never thought I'd see you so comfortable..." Kouki cannot help but smile with bitterness. "...like you belonged right beside him."

Seijuuro attempted to take a step forward but Kouki held his hand again to stop him.

"I saw the way you look at him. You look at him the way I look at you." Kouki chuckled humorlessly. "I adore your eyes, you adore his. I long for your presence, you long for his. I become breathless just by hearing your voice, you become breathless just by hearing his voice. I feel so much emotion just by the mere mention of you, and you feel that when his name is mentioned."

Kouki wiped the tears in his eyes, gave a watery smile to Seijuuro and said, "Thank you for loving me, Sei. I do not doubt that you loved me. It's just that your feelings for Nijimura-san were just stronger. Your love for him never faded. You just buried it deep within you."

Seijuuro stood rooted to the ground, speechless and heartbroken. He is repeatedly punching himself mentally while he looks at the crying mess of Kouki. He feels bad breaking the heart of a person as sweet and as kind as the one currently setting him free.

"Do you remember the time I asked you about your first love?" Kouki asked. "I took consolation in the way you used the past tense while answering my questions. But I know you should have been using the present tense. You still love him, I know that."

"Sei, I am sorry for being selfish. I wanted to keep you to myself until I saw you with Nijimura-san. I realized I will never be enough for you." Kouki remembered all the times he watched Seijuuro with Nijimura. "Your place should never be with me. And I know, from the bottom of my heart, that you will never be completely happy with me."

"Kouki, you d--"

"Your happiness is my happiness," Kouki cut Seijuuro off. "It hurts a lot, Sei. It really, really, really, hurts but I love you very much. My love for you is strong enough to get hurt just for you to be happy. I'd be ready to sacrifice for you."

Kouki smiled at Seijuuro, sad but hopeful. "I also realized that I will never be happy with you. I will never be happy with someone who will think of several what ifs in the future. I think our relationship will not work with you longing for someone else, and me constricting you from doing something about your possibility with your first love."

"I have a relationship with you that is enough reason to hold on to you, Sei, but you are not someone I should hold on to." Kouki finally took a step forward towards Seijuuro, gaze not leaving those ruby eyes. "You have no relationship unlike ours that you can hold on to Nijimura-san but he is someone you should hold on to. You'd think he is just the past but he's not. Nijimura-san is more than that in your life."

Seijuuro knew that Kouki is being serious. He can see it in those eyes that never wavered once. "Kouki, I am not worth your kindness."

"Yes, you are. I love you that much." The brunette smiled at the words he remembered Seijuuro said about Nijimura. Now it was Kouki who used those words. "You are worth it. This is worth it. Just like how Nijimura-san is to you, that is what you are to me."

Kouki looked at his watched. "You should go, Sei. Or else y--"

Seijuuro wrapped his arms around Kouki, tightly embracing the brunette. A tear escaped his eyes but he quickly wiped it away. "Thank you, Kouki. I just realized that I am very lucky to find love twice. I am sorry for hurting you. If there is one person who is worthy of all the good things in the world, it would be you."

"Kuroko also deserves it, you know," Kouki joked.

"He certainly does, but he has Aomine now. They are both happy." Seijuuro held Kouki at arm's length, looking directly at his eyes to convey that he really means it when he says, "I love you, Kouki. Remember that I once loved you. That fact will never change."

Kouki nodded, crying again because it hurts. It hurts letting the one you love go.

"You are a great person, Kouki. Just believe in yourself and don't sell yourself short. You are stronger than what you think you are." Seijuuro smiled genuinely from the bottom of his heart. "Thank you for everything."

Kouki nodded. He turned Seijuuro around so that the red-head's back is facing him. "Go. Or you won't be able to catch up to him."

"Thank you again, Kouki."

"Just promise me you'll be completely honest with Nijimura-san. And you'll get rid of all the what ifs you have in mind."

"I promise."

"And don't look back," Kouki whispered.

"...I promise."

"Good."

"Thank you, Kouki."

"I know. Now, go."

Kouki watched Seijuuro's retreating figure walk away from him, never looking back just as promised. His knees finally gave in and he was left crying on the ground.

_I will wish you the best, Sei, even if it will be my worst._


End file.
